Writer's block

To look at me and assume I'm some sort of modern-day poet wannabe would not be an unrealistic stretch. I'm tall and slender with a (deceptively) frail frame, straight and nearly black hair running halfway down my neck. My fingers are thin, cold, nimble and callused on the tips from interacting with things around me. I have dark, analytical eyes, making an effort to keep track of my environment. I generally carry a notebook around with me to scribble down ideas that come to my mind. I speak in a manner that is unusual for a 16-year-old male, and carry myself warily, but with confidence. I listen to Rain Maida, Tegan Quin, Sam Roberts, and actively advertise my loyalty to Canadian writers. I am the embodiment of that weird guy everybody knows who does things exactly like I do. I'm a walking stereotype.

Not that any of this matters, of course.

I'm not sure why I write at all. Maybe it's to prove something to myself. Maybe it's because it's simply hereditary, and I can't help but do it. Perhaps it's some kind of healthy release for sexual tension, societal pressure and teenage angst. It could be I'm just really shallow and I like all the praise that I get whenever I write something other people like. Honestly, I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I've just been thinking about it a little bit lately.
Food for thought, right?

I listened in, yes I'm guilty of this, you should know this,
I broke down and wrote you back befor you had a chance to,
Forget- forgotten, I am moving past this giving notice
I have to go, yes I know the feeling, know you're leaving.
-Tegan and Sara "The Con"

It's all Perspective

Please take me away from here.

We parted, but both of us knew that it wasn't truly a goodbye. Just a glorified, "see you later". That didn't make it hurt any less though. I walked away in a haze, unable to accept my abrupt change in reality.

Please take me away from here.

You took the opposite path from me, just staring at the ground, feeling as lost as I was. Emotions quickly became a terrifying whirlwind, sweeping you away, and overriding conscious control. All the things you try to push away come to you in an instant, breaking your stride

Take me away from here.

I've lost my ghost. It's floating around somewhere I wish I was. Since then, I'm just some kind of shell for actions and shallow emotions, without a definite cause. Emptiness is worse than heartbreak.

Take me away from here.

Bright lights beckoning me home, and music so loud we have to talk with our eyes. Warmth builds up in my fingertips, and shoots up my arm before diving into my lungs. The steam from my breath is bright red, and illuminates the source of my warmth- A trembling hand.

Take me away. Take me with you.

Winter, 2010

I originally wanted to write a brief response to the film "American History X", but I realize that I'm not well-researched enough, I have very little actual experience with problems involving racism. I really want to talk about it, but I equally as strongly don't know how to.

Anyways, abruptly changing pace, today wasn't nearly as good as yesterday. I spent most of the day in a gloomy haze, forgetting items, being scolded, and generally not connecting with my friends or the world around me. It wasn't a fantastic day to say the least. This, however, was changed with a simple phone call from a friend. Just to talk. That's all it took. She called, asked me about my day, how I was, just ordinary things like that. She was the first thing to put a smile on my face after the entire day, and that, is no small feat.

Sometimes you have someone, and things just click. Something about the two of you just works out right, and there's no denying the chemistry. The rest of the world can see it, and you are overwhelmed by the reality of the dream you're living.

Look to the gray February clouds and smile. It's blue somewhere.

Can you feel it?

All along the western front
people line up to receive-
She's got the current in her hand,
just shock you like you won't believe.
Sun in the Amazon
With the voltage running through her skin
Standing there with nothing on
she's gonna teach me how to swim.

Yes, you could say it's something like that. Sometimes lyrics just say what you're thinking better than you can?
Seriously though, hearts are breaking left and right around me, but mine feels more together than ever, despite what you might think. She reminds me what it's really like to be me, in all the best ways.

If you need me, I'll always be there, you crave, you call, sighing, heart swells, and I whisper, "I'll be back again"
"I promise you."

My best friend, the trombone

Good god. I've spent more time playing the trombone today than I have sleeping. First, there was marching band practice in the morning, then I was recruited into training the new trombonist. She's never played a brass instrument before, but she's a very nice girl and very eager and willing to learn, so that's making things a lot easier. Later that day, there was my concert band class, which I got smacked by a flutist, causing my mouth to bleed, which made it painful to play (I did anyways though.) Finally, after all that, there was a practice of the jazz band I joined. I have no experience playing any jazz at all on any instrument, but it's so much fun. I seriously have a blast with everything we do... I need a cool jazz musician nickname though :P

Oh! Getting off topic, I conducted my entire concert band today (about 40 instruments). The band instructor was in the next room doing something with the percussionists, and he left the podium completely unattended. Sitting there in the back row, I thought- "I could do what he does." So I walked up to the podium, opened his book to the piece I wanted to conduct, picked up the baton, and shouted for everyone to pay attention and get out the one I wanted to conduct. Surprisingly, every single one of them complied. I began conducting, and they began playing. It was truly one of the more fantastic things I've done. Less than a minute after I began playing, the director walked back in to see why the band was playing with such abnormal organization, and laughed when he saw me on his podium. Then, he made eye contact with me, grabbed his trombone from his office, sat in my seat, and played my part. I felt simply wonderful with myself after that.

Oh!- This is the setlist my concert band is playing for our spring festival coming up in several weeks.

Buzz?

There's an odd low-pitched buzzing sound that comes about once every two minutes from the next room over, and it's really bothering me, because I can't figure out what it is. I'm going to go investigate and hope that it's not something that plans on eviscerating, disemboweling, or defenestrating me.

Swoon

It's funny how fast your situation can change. This time last week I was celebrating Mardi Gras with my best friend-turned love interest. It was just crazy. Today I had my first jazz band practice (still not sure if I'm going to be playing the guitar or trombone for it. I'd still be totally happy either way. I'd rather play trombone if we can't get any other lower brass players though.)

I feel a little nostalgic about last week. It sort of sucks that it's over, but I'm really happy that it happened. I think I can honestly say that it was the best, most exciting, eventful week of my entire life. I really wish I could have stayed there for more time. It's nice to be home, but I miss the excitement, friendship, and adventure. Mixed feelings, I guess.

That's all for tonight. I still feel tired... I need to start sleeping more.

This isn't the end. In fact, it's only just beginning.

Back and back.

I'm back! Back and exhausted from traveling. To exhausted for a real post. So, until I'm not too exhausted for a real post, I'm going to post songs as metaphors to each of the days of my trip!

Monday- Subterranean Homesick Alien - Radiohead

Tuesday- The Night Starts Here - Stars

Wednesday- I've Just Seen a Face - The Beatles

Thursday- Feelgood by Numbers - The Go! Team

Friday- Friday I'm in Love - The Cure

Saturday- Take Me to the Riot - Stars

Sunday- Dreamland - Our Lady Peace

Monday- Growing Old is Getting Old - Silversun Pickups

Nine

It's one of those days. I've been up since 9:00 am, and even though it's nearly 6:00 pm now (by the clock), I still feel in my brain like it's only 9:30. Maybe I just never woke up right, but over the course of packing, writing, going to town three times, working, and organizing my entire house I still feel like the day hasn't even really started. The most likely explanation that I can think of is that this entire day is really just... preparation for a greater event. Tomorrow I will depart on the journey of a lifetime, and the end result of it will be memories, feeling, and stories.

Actually there will be one small tangible thing from this trip: My brother and I have a small Gumby & Pokey figures (6 cm) which we will make a photo-journal of on our trip. We'll take small shots of these two on each leg of our expedition, and compile them at the end, and see how it ties itself up.

And with this, I leave you expectation and anticipation for the upcoming events. I'll write again next Monday

4 days

Still on a Los Campesionos! binge, and after listening to their other two albums, I can safely say this new one is my favorite. The just sound more... grown up this time.
Anyways, addicted the Mechanical Commando 2, needing to pack, and working on a longer short story. I think this one is going to be really memorable.
That is all.

Panic Switch

Breathe deeply. Become the rhythm. Find your target, steady your aim. Stay focused, stay with the beat. Ignore all distractions, you are nothing but an extension of your tool, for a greater power. The skies are blue, but you're too locked in to care. You notice everything around you, but you don't knowledge anything except what matters.

The woman walking in front of you glances towards you, limp cigarette dangling from her lips, veiling her grey eyes with white smoke for a moment, until she tosses her head and returns to her course, and her sickly green hair falls back unevenly over her face.
This is the only cue you need

You close your eyes, and strum downwards, playing the chord the exact same way you practiced in seclusion, dropping the e-string just so to give it a little extra hum. She stops without turning around. Panicking, you hastily play the second note- too soon, you curse yourself. 'She'll notice if you screw up, don't fucking screw up!' You look down at the vibrating strings, and your fingertips that are not moving without thinking, the way that they should. You look up again, and there she is. Black combat boots inches from your Cons that you neurotically keep clean.

"Cute" She says, her expressionless tone drawing you in to her. You want to ask her about the violent looking letters on her black shirt, but you refrain. You miss the next chord all together as she looks at you, sitting on the grass, legs crossed. "I knew a guy who played that song... said he wrote it. Never believed him. Glad I didn't, though."

"Oh... that's too bad", you mumble, uncertain what to say as she sits down a few feet from you, leaning back. You look away, afraid to make eye contact with her.

"Eh... life happens", she says as she flicks her cigarette to the side, and leans farther back on both hands. Her nails are blue. For a second time, you chose not to ask anything.

"Well, what about this?" You say, trying to change the subject away from heartache. You begin playing without thinking. 'What are you doing?!? This is NOT part of the plan!' You ignore the thoughts, and look down at her boots. From the look of them, her feet are bigger than yours. "This is one I wrote earlier this spring during a lazy afternoon".

She rolls her eyes, and for the first time, you see her smile. It looks out of place for her usual scowl, but it's nice on her.

Romance Is Boring

Earlier this afternoon, I picked up the new Los Campesinos! album, and it is nothing short of fantastic. For anyone who's ever heard of any of the bands previous endeavors, then this new record should come to no surprise at all to you. To those that haven't, click on the the link, and experience a unique kind of music that no other artists on the planet have created anything like. With this album, the band has definitely matured a lot, and the sound is just as creative, but more down-to-earth this time around. Also, this entire album was recorded after their female vocalist (Alecks Campesinos!) (She's been replaced recently by her sister Kim, oddly enough), so Gareth is the only singer for most of the tracks this time around. This takes away a second perspective from a lyrical point of view, but it allows a single strong (and in this case, pessimistic) focus on the stories in question, and Los Campesinios! has really brought that out very strongly. The songs tell stories of loss, heartache, loyalty, lust, family, and escape, all without sacrificing any of the energy and pop that made people fall in love with Hold On Now Youngster...

Seriously though, at the very least, go listen to this.

M.E.X.I.C.O.C.U.

In six days, I will embark upon the adventure of a lifetime. Honestly, what will happen I've been looking forward to for months. Romance, culture, sun, family, fire, and destiny all await me here.
Mexico, I'm heading to with my little Brother and Cousin. (who's blog link I'd post here, but that seems like it's not really the thing to do.) Suffice it to say, it's going to be amazing. I can say, with little doubt, that when I come home, I will not be the same person as when I left

132 hours remaining.

A brief summary

Question-hyperbole, noun, adjective, proper noun, verb, verb, adverb, conlustion

Nerf!

Despite the fact that I'm only a year from becoming a legal adult, able to purchase cigarettes and porn, and be able to vote, I love toys. Not sexual items, I mean like... playthings; Nerf guns, Lego, Hot Wheels cars, little green army men, Foosball, shiny bouncy balls, all that stuff I simply adore. It's not very masculine to admit this, but I frankly don't care. It's what makes me happy.

Last night, I was with some friends... between all of us, we have nearly $500 worth of Nerf weapons. We had a gigantic war, and it was a wonderful time. It's funny though- If I didn't have friends who encouraged the kind of things I do, and went along with all of the bizzarity, I probably wouldn't even care about these things.
The way I see it though, it's really not that bad, is it? I mean, we're coming closer together as friends, there's a million other things 17-year-old males could be spending money on that is a lot more destructive than toy guns that fire foam darts.
And y'know what? When I move out, I'm probably going to have some kind of drawer in my residence to house all my little weapons.

As the silly magnet on the fridge reads- Growing old is mandatory, growing up is entirely optional.

Pioneers! O Pioneers

Come my tan-faced children,
Follow well in order, get your weapons ready,
Have you your pistols? have you your sharp-edged axes?
Pioneers! O pioneers!

For we cannot tarry here,
We must march my darlings, we must bear the brunt of danger,
We the youthful sinewy races, all the rest on us depend,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O you youths, Western youths,
So impatient, full of action, full of manly pride and friendship,
Plain I see you Western youths, see you tramping with the foremost,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Have the elder races halted?
Do they droop and end their lesson, wearied over there beyond the seas?
We take up the task eternal, and the burden and the lesson,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

All the past we leave behind,
We debouch upon a newer mightier world, varied world,
Fresh and strong the world we seize, world of labor and the march,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

We detachments steady throwing,
Down the edges, through the passes, up the mountains steep,
Conquering, holding, daring, venturing as we go the unknown ways,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

We primeval forests felling,
We the rivers stemming, vexing we and piercing deep the mines within,
We the surface broad surveying, we the virgin soil upheaving,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Colorado men are we,
From the peaks gigantic, from the great sierras and the high plateaus,
From the mine and from the gully, from the hunting trail we come,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

From Nebraska, from Arkansas,
Central inland race are we, from Missouri, with the continental
blood intervein’d,
All the hands of comrades clasping, all the Southern, all the Northern,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O resistless restless race!
O beloved race in all! O my breast aches with tender love for all!
O I mourn and yet exult, I am rapt with love for all,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Raise the mighty mother mistress,
Waving high the delicate mistress, over all the starry mistress,
(bend your heads all,)
Raise the fang’d and warlike mistress, stern, impassive, weapon’d mistress,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

See my children, resolute children,
By those swarms upon our rear we must never yield or falter,
Ages back in ghostly millions frowning there behind us urging,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

On and on the compact ranks,
With accessions ever waiting, with the places of the dead quickly fill’d,
Through the battle, through defeat, moving yet and never stopping,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O to die advancing on!
Are there some of us to droop and die? has the hour come?
Then upon the march we fittest die, soon and sure the gap is fill’d.
Pioneers! O pioneers!

All the pulses of the world,
Falling in they beat for us, with the Western movement beat,
Holding single or together, steady moving to the front, all for us,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Life’s involv’d and varied pageants,
All the forms and shows, all the workmen at their work,
All the seamen and the landsmen, all the masters with their slaves,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

All the hapless silent lovers,
All the prisoners in the prisons, all the righteous and the wicked,
All the joyous, all the sorrowing, all the living, all the dying,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

I too with my soul and body,
We, a curious trio, picking, wandering on our way,
Through these shores amid the shadows, with the apparitions pressing,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Lo, the darting bowling orb!
Lo, the brother orbs around, all the clustering suns and planets,
All the dazzling days, all the mystic nights with dreams,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

These are of us, they are with us,
All for primal needed work, while the followers there in embryo wait behind,
We to-day’s procession heading, we the route for travel clearing,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O you daughters of the West!
O you young and elder daughters! O you mothers and you wives!
Never must you be divided, in our ranks you move united,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Minstrels latent on the prairies!
(Shrouded bards of other lands, you may rest, you have done your work,)
Soon I hear you coming warbling, soon you rise and tramp amid us,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Not for delectations sweet,
Not the cushion and the slipper, not the peaceful and the studious,
Not the riches safe and palling, not for us the tame enjoyment,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Do the feasters gluttonous feast?
Do the corpulent sleepers sleep? have they lock’d and bolted doors?
Still be ours the diet hard, and the blanket on the ground,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Has the night descended?
Was the road of late so toilsome? did we stop discouraged nodding
on our way?
Yet a passing hour I yield you in your tracks to pause oblivious,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Till with sound of trumpet,
Far, far off the daybreak call–hark! how loud and clear I hear it wind,
Swift! to the head of the army!–swift! spring to your places,
Pioneers! O pioneers!




Pioneers! O Pioneer!
by Walt Whitman (1819-1892) in Leaves of Grass, 1900

Levis?

I feel slightly less terrible today. Still pretty bad, but at least the pain is tolerable. My brain still isn't functioning much above 60%, so I'm going to keep this post simple too.

Normally I'm not a huge fan of corporate advertising, but this Levis commercial is simply fantastic. I get that I'm the target audience for it, looking directly at my youthful spirit of adventure and all that, but still- it's pretty great. It's only about a minute long, and anyone who enjoys American literature should watch


Actually, come to think of it, Levis has an all-around very effective marketing campaign.

Sick

I am sick, and I hurt all over, and I feel terrible and I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

For this reason, I'm not doing a real post today.

As far as days go... this is one.

Something interesting about me- More often than not, I were giant headphones most everywhere I go. Now, it goes without saying that a lot of people are not fond of my giant headphones. Some people think that I'm some artistic lunatic (semi-true, depending on the day), others see some kind of indie recluse, who'll throw rocks at you if he here's the words "Top 40" from your mouth. Some adults who haven't gotten to know me think I'm just some rebellious punk, who likes his flaming guitar riffs, and inaudible lyrics better than the rest of the world.
This is not the case.
I'll be the first to admit, in the right place and time, I am all of those things. However, that's just it. I'm all of those things, and so much more. Do I really deserve all of this judgment people place on me?
Absolutely I do.
If I'm going to go out of my way to break the norm in such a manner, then I deserve all the looks and questions that I get. Sometimes it bothers me what people think, but then I remember- I've earned it in every way.


P.S. It's worth it for such fantastic music quality. These headphones are pretty much the best purchase I've ever made. Sony never lets me down.

PIKA PIKA

Things I have learned today:

The Latin name for a Pika (Ochotona princeps), that my biology classroom doesn't get any cell-phone reception, anything can become automatically more interesting if you make a comparison to the 501st squadron, that if I only plug my headphones in halfway into my ipod, often I will only get music and not lyrics, and above all, that I really need to start getting more sleep.

I am bored out of my skull. I get that I'm contradicting myself by saying that at all, with my new years resolution and all that, but it's hard to keep my eyes open when I'm "busy" working on a project I'm not interested in on a subject I'm not interested in. (To clarify, I'm in my biology 20-1 class right now. It's pretty slow paced.)

That's all for now. Class is nearly over, but I'll do a second, more complete post later tonight.

Bluh.

Counter

Okay so I made a counter for "The Clouds". I'm not really concerned about how many folks actually chose to read this, I'm more just curious how much traffic I've pulled in over my three-week existence. I bet I'm going to have more hits than I expect. (3 a day).

Tomorrow I'm getting an H1N1 shot. Not really looking forward at all, but it's required of me if I'm going to go to Mexico, so you do what you have to do.

Ah... my Mother's 42nd birthday was today. I was at a surprise party for her, and it was very pleasant. I wrote her a poem. I don't have a second copy of it, but when I acquire one, I'll post it.

That's all for tonight. Sleep well!

Up, Brother

I'm tempted to post lyrics and call it a night, but I did that last night, and I feel like that's kind of cheating.
Lets see... new semester, lots and lots of homework, but I think it'll be okay. I'm a smart guy and I can deal with it (when I'm in the mood, anyway). The first play rehearsal was today... my character doesn't even appear until over halfway through the play, but he does have a duet with a woman. We'll see how that goes...

I've been watching Full Metal Alchemist, and really enjoying it. I love the artwork, and I love the plot, and I'm very fond of every character, but my single favorite aspect of it is the relationship between the two brothers, Edward and Alphonse. Maybe in a weird sort of way because it reminds me of my own brother and I. I won't even begin to get into the dynamics of our respective relationships, but suffice it to say, even though we have our differences, and arguments, we've been there for each other since we existed, and we're not just brothers by blood, we're best friends. My brother and I have traveled together, weathered the birth of three siblings, gone through a divorce, girlfriends, rock bands, social scenes, arguments, and flat-out bad days. I doubt you'll ever read this, but if you do, Andrew, I love you, plain and simple. You're over there cursing me for keeping you up playing video games, but it's for your own good on some level and you know it as well as I do. I'll always be there for you, you know that, right?