It's like a Magic Bullet for my head.

I'm so cool, too bad I'm a loser.
I'm to smart, too bad I can't get anything figured out
I'm so brave, too bad I'm a baby
I'm so fly, that's probably why it feels like I'm falling for the first time

Ah, the clouds. They accompany me wherever I go in good and bad ways. Today, it's a good one. The provide a haze in my mind that I'd rather not see all the way through. As I mentioned in a previous post, I like not totally understanding myself. Confusion is just one more cause of adventure, right?

On an unrelated note, first read-through of the play tomorrow... I'm the lead villain, so I'm sure I'll have more than a few lines... oh well, I have decent stage presence. I'm just exhausted, and tomorrow is going to be an ultra long day. Stupid marching band.

In all seriousness though; emotions, they don't make any sense, and I love it. Jumbled up thoughts are exciting, and there's few things more satisfying than being able to share a look of genuine mischief with someone.

A young woman quickly comes to the door, opening it and ushering the young man inside. As she leads him into the hallway, she raises her index finer to her lips to signal his silence. The woman then turns around and walks swiftly around the corner.

The Living

Stopping your heartbeat
But the parts stay in their place
Call on yourself tonight
Don't back away

Scratches on skin move slow
Put it back put it back down low
I felt a trace of your craving

The living sometimes will wait their whole lives
Today you take mine
Strength of a god as I open my hands to you

Send all my blood to you
Till your oceans have filled right through
And on the shored I will wait for days

It's not a cause for alarm
It's a strange and lovely place
Your absence makes me strong
So here I will wait, I will wait, I will wait

The living sometimes
Today I told it goodbye
A creature dead in your jaws
Strength of a god as I open my hands to you

Here in these oceans I wait as you call
You said you would come back, you told me yourself
Light will escape you wherever you are
So in darkness I will wait

Damn extended metaphors

"It has to be partly her doing. It takes two to tango."
"Not always."
"Then it's hardly much of a dance, is it?"
"She doesn't want to dance yet."
"Then why is she trying on shoes so soon?"

I'm like an old notebook. On the outside, you can get something of an idea of what I'm about, signatures; trying out new pens, a poorly-done picture of a guitar, the corner of the cover is bent backwards, and some smudged snippets of Edgar Allen Poe in sharpie. If you take the time to open me up though, you can never unsee what you might find. On some pages songs and poems, photographs of sunny afternoons and starry nights. Pages filled with joyous memoirs, that you can still smell the perfume of lovers on. Turn to the next, and your expectation-filled smile will be wiped away. The corner of the page is brown from flame, and the words on the page are frightening and dark. The whisper tales of self-loathing, cold, lonely evenings, envy, heartache, melancholy, and denial of love and life. You feel the breath pulled out of your mouth when you find this. You want to tear out the page and throw it away so it can't tarnish everything else in the notebook. You try, but you can't. The bad memories won't fix themselves, and neither can you. You just have to let it be. You do the first thing that comes to mind. You take hold of a pen. Royal blue. Press it against a blank spot and begin writing on the warm pages.

Dead tired.

I'm so exhausted. I don't even want to blog at all. I think for one of the first times in my life I actually kicked someone out of my house because I just wanted to go to sleep. I'm that ready to just pass out.
I'll write a more better post on the 'morrow. Until then I need my rest

Goodnight and good riddance to this computer screnn

4-1

First day of the new semester tomorrow... among the new classes I'm taking this spring are Chemistry 20-1 and Biology 20-1. It'll be a busy semester, but at least I have friends in these classes with me. I'm really not sure what to say... it's a cloudy night. I can't see very many stars, but the moon is very bright. It's so welcoming just to stare at it... to each and every one of us, it's the same moon, but it tells a different story. From a chunk of rock circling the earth, to some sort of alien camp-out, to the muse of a thousand poets, to a midnight sun, the moon is fantastic.

Glow softly
The night feels cold
No more

I haven't written a haiku in forever... that's pretty bad, but who cares? There's a million blogs on the internet, and this is no different from any of them.

Silly poet boy
-Chris

Music & Lust

Music,
Like love and lust, has roots in the soul.
You drive me mad with your A notes,
Making me wild like a staff with no lines.
Kisses placed randomly on paper as notes turn into high screams and low moans.

Love,
Like anger flows through my veins and burns me,
So does the fire produced by every key you hit.
Taking me higher into a world where there is no dissonance,
And every sound, from every voice, melts into one word:

Lust,
Dances to the sound produced as sweat drips tenderly off your skin.
Hands roaming gently; our hearts the bass, beat, and background.
Hit that note for me, touch me where everything makes sense and I become the star in your opera show. Make me the soprano you know I am While my:

Soul,
Is Infatuated and drowning in your:

Music.

No credit can go to me for this. The author is ~Chaotic-undertone @ deviantart

It's just beautiful. I love the way it sounds, I love the way it feels, and most importantly, I love what it means. A little dirty, of course, but that's why it's amazing. Lily showed this one to me, and for that, I thank her. I really need to learn to memorize more things like this so I can quote them in applicable situations.

Beautiful Midnight

Math woo math

Darn... I want to write tonight. I really do. I don't have much to say, but I have the desire to say it. These things, however, will have to wait. I have a math final tomorrow, therefor, I must get sleep so I can do well.

Wish me luck

Asymptotes do NOT under any circumstances exist. X cannot equal -7! It just doesn't happen!

Don't even get me started on the boycotters...

I love being a gamer. It's probably one of the most fun, most rewarding, and has one of the most interesting communities of any hobby known to man.

Gaming has been given a bad rap however, from two main P.O.V.s. Firstly, the somewhat common assumption that games are all about killing hookers or aliens. Albeit, some of them are, but mostly, not really. Games like Heavy Rain should be introduced to the public. Adds should be put on international networks during shows like CSI or Criminal Minds. It would make great strides towards opening up the masses to gaming. This however, is not the case because of issue #2. This problem is the mindset that gaming has adverse affects on your lifestyle. Video games can affect your rational judgment. Video games desensitize you to violence. Video games adversely affect your social skills.
These are lies.
If anything, it's the contrary to these asinine, brick-headed opinions. I can't think of a better way to help hone problem solving skills than video games. Everywhere from "Kirby Super-Star" to "I Wanna Be the Guy", challenges gamers to reach beyond what they conceived they were capable of, and work towards that next checkpoint. If you like interesting stories, characters or settings, look no further than gaming. Titles like Uncharted 2 blur the line between cinema and interactive media. Everything about Naughty Dog's latest release is both what a frequent film-goer would want a video game to be, and a gamer wants to see in a movie. It's a win-win.
See where I'm coming from?
So, what I'm trying to say is this- Everyone who scorns everyone else who plays video games, stop it. You have no right to judge until you've gone through what we have. We rescued the princess, we found out the cake was a lie, we got all our base back, we watched the 'nukes go off, and we not only survived it, but learned from our experiences.

Comment with opinions, please.

Hereafter

*please note, letter is real, but all names have been changed*

Hey Kim
I stole this idea from you. A therapeutic blog entry a day, keeps people updating, keeps the mind clear and helps to sort out your own thoughts. I wish you could see me now, what I've become. I think you'd like it. I certainly do.

I'm not quite the same boy I am when you saw me last. I've grown up a lot, but I've been taking things in stride. Despite what you told me to, I still cling to that glimmer of darkness, that pessimistic poetry in the death of every new sun. It's for the best though. I always keep perspective, and remember that for shadow to exist, there must be light to create it. Because of your inspiration, I've been writing more too. I'm not as good or confident as you are, but I still try... and just you wait, someday you'll see my name under "letters from the editor", or on the cover of that best-selling novel, and when you do, remember that it was what you told me that helped me get to that point.

Ah, Kimberly... no matter how far away we find ourselves, I can't help but think of you from time to time. Suffice it to say, you've effectively "tattoo'd" yourself onto my mind, and like ink, I can't realistically see you coming out with as little as time. It's funny... I can never write things like this with so much ease for lovers and friends, bur for you, it just... flows. Maybe that saying blood runs thicker than water applies inversely when it comes to words. You're water and I'm earth, but we're still compatible.

No matter where the wind takes me, or whatever my "hereafter" is, you'll always be a part of me.
Cross my heart.

Awkward smiles, you look past the facade and see what I'm really thinking
Eye contact, careful not to shudder with cold
Knees bend, faces flood with joy
Reunion

Of love and liturature

I found this picture earlier today, and it reminded me of Lily. It's a little busy, but I like the way it looks, and I think she would too.

Winter cleaning.

I need a job. I spend far too much spare time. I need money, and I need to keep myself more busy... I mean seriously, I'm blogging. What's up with that? There's about 3(10^9) other things I could be doing. I'm just not.

Today was very snowy and icy... even worse than yesterday. I had prior engagements that I was forced to cancel due to the conditions of the road. I'd rather not recreate the events of yesterday... so instead I spend the day cleaning. I cleaned out my car (easier said than done. Though fantastic companions, my passengers are not the neatest of individuals.) I did my laundry, made my room semi-beautiful, and discovered that I purchased the wrong kind of acoustic guitar strings so I didn't re-string it today.

Car Crash

Got in a car crash yesterday. Neither myself, the driver, or the vehicle were seriously damaged, but it was still a fairly startling experience. As ridiculous as it sounds, had things gone even slightly differently, the vehicle could have flipped, and I could simply be dead.
This isn't going to be some big revelation for me- I'm not going to change things, but it has got me thinking about mortality a touch, which I suppose is probably good.

The other thing I want to talk about is entirely unrelated in my post earlier this week "The Cure" I mentioned finding a cure to what hurts. In my situation, what hurt me was breaking up with my girlfriend of a year and a half. I've been single for about a month now, and it's starting to get to me. I feel lonely and uncertain of things sometimes, but when I'm with her, I don't feel those things... but I'm beginning to wonder if it's not just some sort of emotional placebo, not actually healing me, just giving me a positive distraction.

That's all for now. It's icy and snowing outside. There's a thick fog, and a frost on everything. It looks scary and unwelcoming... but it's home, right?

Where are you?

Hey you! Have you felt like this before?
You've got style, but ain't got soul
Are you happy now, are you happy?
Tonight, did punk rock get it right?
Is there no future in sight?
Is it different now, is it different?
Come on!

Where are you? Where are you?
I'm kicking and screaming
You're not listening!
Where are you? Where are you?
Everything I believed in-
Has lied to me!


For reasons unexplainable, this is probably one of my favorite songs ever written. (Actually, those reasons are very explainable. Catchy chorus, powerful lyrics, upbeat drums and guitar, and in my opinion, one of the best music videos ever made, period.)

Life is crazy. Love is crazy. I don't understand the way I feel, or the ways that I feel make me feel, but in a way, it's probably for the best. If I totally understood myself, what mystery would be left in the world? If anything, a walking enigma is optimal for adventure, right?

Food for thought, Serve chilled, best serves three.

Bloodletting and Miraculous Cures

When you're ill, find the cure. No matter what's the matter, there is always a remedy waiting to be found.

And, I think I've found mine.

Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll

Life is an adventure. A wild, crazy, unpredictable roller coaster ride. My friends are fantastic, the music is deafening, the trips are warm and exotic, the girls are gorgeous and crazy, and my fingers have calluses

Maybe I'm a rock star, and I just don't know it yet.

Today was a much better day. The feelings of angst and sadness are gone, and I feel light, happy and free. Music feels therapeutic in all of the right ways.

I think I fell into a wishing well
The water's dirty but I cannot tell
...something something something
That's how I found you out!

I'm on top of the world. I'm lucky, skilled, intelligent, and today, it shows.

Walking with a Ghost

I've never said this about anybody before, but I think I can honestly say it now.

I hate you.

I want you out of my life. You make me sad and angry in ways that I've never experienced, and I hate you for that. I hate the way that you want to be around me, and the way that you talk to me like you belong. Every time I see you I want to scream at you to go away, leave my town and never come back. I'm not an angry person, but you fill me with those feelings. I don't love you, I don't care about you, I feel nothing good for you.

You're out of my mind, and I want to keep it that way
I hate you.

Stars, Frankenstein, and Grayscale

I just finished watching "Young Frankenstein". I really liked it... pretty much all of Mel Brooks' comedies are wonderful. The 70's were amazing, as were the 90's, culturally speaking. I think the 80's were kinda bad though... just a matter of opinion.

It's plausible I may miss some school because of all the people she knows, my 5-year-old sister wants me to be the guest on her "star student day". In a way, I feel very honored. I mean, it's something of a compliment that there's not a single person that she can think of who she'd like to show off to her peers than her big brother!

Keeping this thing updated is going to be strange. A learning experience, but strange.

Futures

Here we are. It's 2010. A time for new beginnings, and climaxes for the old ones. This is a year to change everything, myself included.
This is the new me, this is the clouds, and this is their story
2009 fades into nebulous dreams, as visions of 2010 begin to fill the universe. Lights and sounds reverberate with the magnitude of this new chapter. Things will never be the same.

This year my white world will be remade, created anew- The snow in my heart will be painted red, not with blood or suffering, but the spirit of my own passion. Never again this year will my heart beat softly: Every moment will be charged with excitement, romance, escape, and passion.

My cursed poet's mind, twisting reality to my own dark devices, like a cosmic pane of glass, distorting the images of life, will be purified by my heart. Blue, peaceful like the crisp winter skies. I don't need my own darkness- I have myself. Forever summer in soul, and forever free.

The voice I call my own will too be purified, hatred and vulgarity will cease to be produced by me. My bitter tongue will not lie, attack, or be spiteful. Innocence won't be able to return to me at this point, but that doesn't mean that kindness cannot.

Lastly, my hands. It goes without saying that I've done things I shouldn't, though I'm not a violent soul. Both tenderness and passion have been expressed by me, and this year, I plan to keep it that way. Honesty and emotion expressed in body and mind will not change. From fists to fingertips, I will let my hands carry through with the actions my heart and mind cannot.

As 2010 arrives in an explosion in the sky, dramatic and beautiful, uniting humanity in time as the planet spins onwards, toward an unknown future. Everything is uncertain, except for one thing- I'm alive, and this year, the world around me will know it.