Explode

I don't know why it is that the rain makes me feel this way, but it always does... to look at it alone makes me happy, and peaceful inside, but to just *live* inside of it for a little while... I start to feel all queasy and nostalgic, and I just... see faces of the past, like everything I've left behind, all of the things that are so close to my heart, yet so far away are flooding back. All of a sudden, I miss everybody

The night is cool, but not cold, warm enough to go out barefoot, but to still have a chill biting at your toes

The moon is very bright, but still casts navy-blue shadows over everything, giving the scene a hushed stillness that makes you feel like your breathing is echoing

I am punching a tree I planted when I was four, until my hands go numb because I am upset and it only hurts once I stop

I didn't know it was entirely possible, but in this moment, I am entirely alone. There is nobody in the whole world I can talk to right now

For anyone who is interested about following the project I mentioned in my previous post, the URL for it is 300loveletters.tumblr.com , and I look forward to the support of anyone who wants to follow. I'll still be posting on this blog with the infrequency I've been known to, but my main focus will be on tumblr

Have a lovely day!

~Chris

300 Love Letters

I have decided that the next thing I'm going to work on is a "300 Love Letters" style of project. My goal is for it to help me find new ways to love, and to express love to the world around me, while keeping my writing and wordplay sharp.
Honestly, in a lot of ways I kind of miss love, in the unadultrated way I could feel it when I was a little younger. Everything felt more honest and more personal to me. I want to be able to tap into that again.
Anyways, I'll probably start a seperate blog or tumblr for that project, so I'll get a link up when I do start up with that

Have a lovely evening
~Chris

Good news: I am home safely from my vacation, have a nice tan, and above all, have figured out where to draw inspiration from, and how to channel that inspiration properly. It feels nice to be able to... pick out that beauty again.

Bad news: I am crazy sick, and have two tests today... so, that'll be fun

Aged inspiration

If there is anyone who follows my blog and has not listened to Dinosaur Jr.'s 4th album, "Green Mind" (read: probably all of you) then you need to stop reading this post right now and go listen to it. I don't need to justify the album, the music speaks for itself.

Anyways, here are the lyrics to the song "The Wagon"

There's a way I feel right now
Wish you'd help me, don't know how
We're all nuts, so who helps who
Some help when no one's got a clue
Baby, why don't we
Baby, why don't we
There's a place I'd like to go
When you get there then I'll know
There's a place I know you've been
Here's a wagon, get on it
Baby, why don't we
Baby, why don't we
Baby, why don't we
Baby, why don't we
Why don't we
You won't see me
You won't see me
There you are and here I stand
Tryin' to make you feel my hand
You won't see me
You won't see me
I ring the doorbell in your mind
But it's locked from the outside
You won't see me
You won't see me
You don't live there anyway
But I knock on it all day
You won't see me
You won't see me
There's a place I go
But you're not there
And I'm supposed to know
How to get to where
You're gonna be
But you don't even know
So I'm flakin'
While you're shakin' it
With every stone you fly
Without a mind, without a spine
What is it that you wanna find
There's a place I go
But you're not there
And I'm supposed to know
How to get to where
You're gonna be
But you don't even know
So I'm flalin'
While you're sailin' off
Without a course in mind
Without a mind, without a dock
What is it that you wanna find
There's a place I'd like to go
When you get there then I'll know
There's a place I know you've been
Here's a wagon, get on it
Baby, why don't we
Baby, why don't we
Why don't we
You won't see me
You won't see me
There you are and here I stand
Tryin' to make you feel my hand
You won't see me
You won't see me
I ring the doorbell in your mind
But it's locked from the outside
You won't see me
You won't see me
You don't live there anyway
But I knock on it all day
You won't see me
You won't see me

Open Road

Something that should be known about me: Roadtrips are more or less my favorite way to journey through in the world (and hands-down, my favorite method of transportation). Something about them is just so... magical. The perfect combination of fleeing from your life, and driving just a little too fast down unfamilliar roads towards a temporary new home (but really, as all road-trippers will know, the real beauty is that you have no home. You, and your friends in the car are where you live, and as long as you're on the road, dreams of homes and beds do not matter).
It's something about singing along with that one song everybody in the car kinda knows the words to, or the ever-growing mountain of soda cans at the feet of the character in the backseat. It's buying locally made pastries at a small-town convinience store, and having the person at the till look at you funny when you accidentally pull out the wrong currency. Taking pictures of the mountains out of the windows of a moving car, nobody being exactly able to agree on a tempurature for a car, and (personlly, my favorite) getting lost in an unfamilliar city, trying to find your way back onto your road while somehow being impressed and annoyed with the fresh layout of the districts.

Anyways, recently I took a drive down to Salt Lake City with a concert in a small club as my destination. I missed three days of class (two of which were spend on the road, 14 hours each way). I ate terrible food, nearly fell asleep at the wheel, and spent several hundred dollars out of my quickly draining savings... and I loved every minute of it. The rush of moutain air, seeing your favorite band in a far-off city, and travelling halfways across America for no real reason.

I love road trips, because for a few days... you're free of destiny. You can escape life, and make your own decisions regarding destination, time and who you are
On that road, you are free

“Tonight is one of those nights where you find yourself alone in your bedroom reading pornography. To be more accurate, it is one of those nights where I find myself alone in my bedroom reading pornography. Only, instead of arousal, it has conjured up a mixture of arousal and nostalgia. That is a dangerous combination… I tried to think of a subtle way to mention that I still think about her. But what do you say? There is no subtle way to mention you miss the curve of someone’s ass.”
- Joey Comeau

Mortality

STOP RIGHT NOW IF YOU ARE A JOHN GREEN FAN WHO HAS NOT FINISHED THE FAULT IN OUR STARS. THIS POST WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS

I read the latest John Green novel, the Fault in Our Stars last night in a single sitting. As his writing usually does, it roused some questions for me, but in this case, one in particular has lingered with me.

"How does my existence affect my world?"

Structurally, in some ways I could almost call a cop-out of resorting to directly inverse gender rolls of Looking For Alaska, although I'm fairly sure that may be intentional. The second Augustus kisses Hazel in the Anne Frank memorial type place, his fate is sealed, and if you've read any of John Green's other novels, you know it's just a matter of time until his death (made further obvious by his constant talk of martyrdom).

But then I stop to wonder- Am I somebody's Augustus Waters, a Manic Pixie Dream Boy of sorts? Am I someone who sweeps into lives, changes everything, and then leaves in a great show of sound and fury, nothing but confusion, pain and bittersweet memories in my wake?

After beautiful experiences in Amsterdam, Augustus and Hazel give each other their virginities, in a totally pristine, picture-book perfect look at young love and it's possibilities. They remove the reminders of their oblivion (leg and breathing devices not required to not die) and share the ultimate indulgance of the flesh, ironically cementing the effect of the sinful city in Hazel's memory for her infinity with the painful reminder of her maidenhead. Again, I feel a connection to Augustus. Indulgance, consequences be dammed... but I wonder, after the fact, what remains of what (and who) I've left behind.

In the end however, nothing can last, and we have to make a choice- What do we die for? What is worth living for, what is the cause greater than ourselves; the ultimate concern?

Home

Down on You

I can't exactly describe why, and it would be impossible to try, but I have found emotional and spiritual solace in the strangest of places- while giving cunnilingus to a girl I've come to fancy. (For those of you concerned, this story will not shift gears towards sexual deviancy, I'm going somewhere with this).
Anyways, I offered, she accepted, and in the moment I felt something that I hadn't felt so... fully in a long time. I felt totally at peace, not only with myself, but with her, her body, and honestly, all of the pent up emotions that have been giving me trouble just seemed to... dissolve away in the moment.
And who knows? Maybe this is just the start of a good thing. I feel like I'm in a good place, and now, the only way to go from here is up

May the day find you well
~Chris

Resolve

And here we are, Christmas, looking down the barrel of New Years.
It's remarkable how much things can change: This time last year, I was in my final year of high school, prepping to go down to Mexico to visit the girl who I felt certain was the one

Now, I don't know if I'll ever see her again

Time changes, people change, and the unexpected always finds a way of falling straight into your lap. The only choice that you really have is whether you want to embrace it, or throw it off, and try to grasp at something more rational. In this next year, I pledge live for me, to be the strongest and wisest man I can, making everything just a tiny bit better for me, and those I care about.

I've lost love, but not hope.
Never hope

Fiat Lux

Huh.
Well, would you look at that?
I've finished my first semester of university, my heart still beating, having stared down the demons of deadlines, social pressures, girls, and generally terrible lifestyle choices. My "hearts I've broken" counter has risen by three (idea for a new blog plugin?), but despite that I feel much more self-assured about who I am, and what it means to be undyingly in love.
I've met a lot of new people, made some enemies, but mostly friends. I've got some new personal philosopies (namely that you really, *really* do not get any choice in the kind of people who enter your life)
I've learned just a tiny bit more about what happiness means, just a tiny bit more about what being a grown-up means...
And who knows? Maybe I am actually ready to take on 2012
Ladies and gentlemen, this one's for you

Blogging about Caffeine, Vampires and NaNoWriMo

A friend of mine wrote about how caffeine has been doing strange things to both her waking and sleeping habits and schedules. My relationship with the drug is somewhat different from hers.

First things first: I love coffee. It is arguably my favorite drink on the planet... don't get it in your head that I'm some kind of coffee connoisseur though. I'll drink any brown sludge-water you so happen to sling my way. Free coffee at an insurance place, six dollars for a cup some upper-town fancy joint with beans from three different continents, whatever. I'm not picky. I like it black, I prefer it strong, but when push comes to shove, I'll take anything

This, however has become a problem for me. You see, my base coffee intake on any given day is 3-5 cups, but this is a bad thing. It has gotten to the point where if I don't have a fix of at least 2 cups, I feel tired, I get a little shaky headaches start heading my way, and (most tremblingly) I feel sad, and generally unhappy with most everything. Now, these are the symptoms of withdrawal

Ladies and gentlemen, from an academic standpoint, I have a caffeine addiction... the crossroads that I now find myself at is this one: Should I continue drinking coffee, coca-cola, or any otherwise caffeinated beverage I can get my hands on, or should I try to cool it with how much I take?


On a completely unrelated topic, I am going to be attempting NaNoWriMo (For those of you who don't know, that is National Novel Writing Month (Which, not being a very skilled writer as I am, will be National (attempt a) Novella Writing Month-ish)). I'll give you more details on the scope of what I'm working on once I can finitely put it in less foolish terms, but I'll post bits and pieces of it as I work, and maybe once I'm done, the finished product.

Last, but not least, the game series Disgaea (4) has sunk it's horribly addictive meta-gaming claws into me once again. This game... man, one can literally play it forever and never run out of things to do in it. The plot follows the trials of a vampire who has sworn off human blood as he tries to take control over the government of Hell, allthewhile dealing with a plethora of wacky Japanese-flavored hijinks. If there's anybody who reads this who has a lot of time on their hands, can get a kick out of Japanese humor (with extraordinary English voice acting), and likes strategy, this is the game for you.

Alright, that's all for now, I'll be back with more things to say before too long
Have a delightful evening
~ Chris

I hate to say it, but I think I've lost my words.
I hope they'll return to me before too long. I really want to write, but I cannot create anything.

Everything is Wonderful in Heaven

My eyes are red and there are unsightly shadows underneath them. I have been crying and cannot sleep. I do not know exactly what keeps me awake, but I feel a tremendous sense of weariness and loss in my head. There is a small blonde puppy underneath my left arm, who is looking up at me, sad and confused about the setting and the role she finds herself in.

Sundance Boulevard

There is peace to be found in having no obligations. To be able to stay out late, to hold hands and learn things about yourself that you never knew through the words of an almost stranger. To drive into the night, and sing, to play on swings and jump over fences.

There is peace to be found in sleeping with a smile on your face. Letting your mind wander to happy places, and exploring a new world with a brand new perspective.

Sometimes, everything just... works out nicely.

Next Stop: Tomorrow

i am okay.

Life is pretty good mostly, and when it's not pretty good, I make the best of what I'm given.

The skies are blue, the sun is out, and it looks like things are working out alright.

We End Up Together

When you gonna do some damage,
Little Brother?
Now that half your life is over
If you're lucky
Looking at the trends of men down
Through your family

Boom, there go the treetops
Once more 'round the sun dried
Just in case you were not listening
I'm for damage
Sweet damage
Oh, damage
Sweet damage
Oh, damage

Sometimes, you just hear little things, short sentences, or snippets of a poem or a song that just cuts deep and rings true with your current state of mind. Right now, that mood is one of reflection and aknowledgement. Tomorrow, I start university, a new huge new step in my life. I'm very excited for it all, but I am a little nervous... I suppose I've never been one to back down from anything though. Better to just tuck in my knees and jump, I think.
Come the good or the bad, we're in this together. I love every single one of you, and on this journey... well, I'm looking forward to where it'll take us

In the eyes of the law I'm an adult... and maybe, just a little bit I'm starting to feel like one.